Happy Father's Day, Fatherless
When I started this blog I knew it had to be honest. Cold and sterile would never reach anyone, but vulnerability is terrifying. I wrote this post yesterday, but I couldn't bring myself to publish it. I figured I should wait a day and re-read it when emotions weren't running high. Although, the emotions never seem to lessen on this subject.
Father's Day is one of two days of the year that I allow myself to wallow in self pity. I've spent Father's Day fatherless since 1999. I don't remember the Father's Day of '98, but I'm sure it was a good one.
Some Father's Days I wake up sad, some depressed, some angry. Yesterday I woke up angry. I was grumpy and moody from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I was angry about waking up without a dad to celebrate. I was angry that I had to go to church and listen to them talk about how awesome dads are. I was angry that my Facebook and Instagram would be overloaded with pictures of my friends with their fathers. The real killer: pictures of dads with their daughters on their wedding day. I didn't get that privilege. Instead, I walked down the aisle alone.
It's not fair. It will never be fair.
But I can't change it.
I miss my dad every single day. He was amazing. He was strong and handsome, and I was his little princess. But, unfortunately, he is gone.
I know that while it's not fair for me to be without it's also not fair for me to be angry with people who have a dad here to love and admire. God created dads for a reason. They are here to lead us and to love us, to build us up, to protect us. I have been blessed that God has supplemented my lack of earthly father with some truly wonderful male role models. From my youth pastors in middle school and high school to my friends' dads I have always had exceptional leaders and protectors in my life.
Unfortunately, not all are lucky enough to have dads or other men in their lives to fulfill this purpose. Some dad's are deadbeats - unreliable and untrustworthy. Instead of being a role model they are a shining example of how not to behave. And while my time was short with my dad, it was a beautiful time - a time I wouldn't trade for the world. I wish everyone to experience as much of this beauty as possible. So, I apologize. I'm sorry to all the people's pictures I've viewed in jealousy. I'm sorry for envying your celebrations. You should celebrate him. You should celebrate dad.
Despite all the grieving I've done, reading verses in like Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling" has always made me feel like I hold a special place in God's heart. He is my only father. It was as if God knew I could handle this pain and has given me an excruciating challenge to rise up to and meet. I'm not sure if I'll ever know why my dad's time on earth was shorter than I would've preferred, but I believe there was a reason, and I have to believe the purpose will be fulfilled. Maybe its to make me stronger, or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe it's to make me weak - to realize there is only one Father who is big enough to take care of all my needs. In all these years He has never left my side, and I know He never will. Although, this lesson is one everyone needs to learn, so maybe the purpose of his passing has nothing to do with me at all.
Whatever the reason, I am grateful for the time I did have with him. He was my best friend, and he will always hold a special place in my heart. As it is now the day after Father's Day, I would encourage those of you with dads to continue to pronounce your love for him. Continually let him know he is important to you and his hard work is appreciated. He does more for you than you will ever know, and his love is one that cannot be replaced. Our dads are a gift, a gift to be cherished. Cherish them.
I'll love you forever, dad.
Paige
Father's Day is one of two days of the year that I allow myself to wallow in self pity. I've spent Father's Day fatherless since 1999. I don't remember the Father's Day of '98, but I'm sure it was a good one.
Some Father's Days I wake up sad, some depressed, some angry. Yesterday I woke up angry. I was grumpy and moody from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed. I was angry about waking up without a dad to celebrate. I was angry that I had to go to church and listen to them talk about how awesome dads are. I was angry that my Facebook and Instagram would be overloaded with pictures of my friends with their fathers. The real killer: pictures of dads with their daughters on their wedding day. I didn't get that privilege. Instead, I walked down the aisle alone.
It's not fair. It will never be fair.
But I can't change it.
I miss my dad every single day. He was amazing. He was strong and handsome, and I was his little princess. But, unfortunately, he is gone.
I know that while it's not fair for me to be without it's also not fair for me to be angry with people who have a dad here to love and admire. God created dads for a reason. They are here to lead us and to love us, to build us up, to protect us. I have been blessed that God has supplemented my lack of earthly father with some truly wonderful male role models. From my youth pastors in middle school and high school to my friends' dads I have always had exceptional leaders and protectors in my life.
Unfortunately, not all are lucky enough to have dads or other men in their lives to fulfill this purpose. Some dad's are deadbeats - unreliable and untrustworthy. Instead of being a role model they are a shining example of how not to behave. And while my time was short with my dad, it was a beautiful time - a time I wouldn't trade for the world. I wish everyone to experience as much of this beauty as possible. So, I apologize. I'm sorry to all the people's pictures I've viewed in jealousy. I'm sorry for envying your celebrations. You should celebrate him. You should celebrate dad.
Despite all the grieving I've done, reading verses in like Psalm 68:5 "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling" has always made me feel like I hold a special place in God's heart. He is my only father. It was as if God knew I could handle this pain and has given me an excruciating challenge to rise up to and meet. I'm not sure if I'll ever know why my dad's time on earth was shorter than I would've preferred, but I believe there was a reason, and I have to believe the purpose will be fulfilled. Maybe its to make me stronger, or maybe it's the opposite. Maybe it's to make me weak - to realize there is only one Father who is big enough to take care of all my needs. In all these years He has never left my side, and I know He never will. Although, this lesson is one everyone needs to learn, so maybe the purpose of his passing has nothing to do with me at all.
Whatever the reason, I am grateful for the time I did have with him. He was my best friend, and he will always hold a special place in my heart. As it is now the day after Father's Day, I would encourage those of you with dads to continue to pronounce your love for him. Continually let him know he is important to you and his hard work is appreciated. He does more for you than you will ever know, and his love is one that cannot be replaced. Our dads are a gift, a gift to be cherished. Cherish them.
I'll love you forever, dad.
Paige
Crying right along with you. I was a daddy's girl too. This year without realizing it I celebrated him with a lemon meringue pie, his favorite, at lunch. It choked me up when I realized what I was doing. Glad to be a part of your life now and always. Thank you for your wonderful post.
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